I was born December 1st 1964; my given name is Sandra Rosemary Peake. I an youngest girl, and the fourth out of 5 kids. I was born at home in Gt Sankey Warrington Lancashire, as it was then, delivered by a midwife. My parents paid a pound 7 shillings and 6pence for my delivery. Nineteen days after I was born I was was put in Clatterbridge Hospital with a heart murmur. They treated it with digitalis, which is rat poison, I joke and say that they couldn’t get rid of me then, and ya still not gonna, I am too tough. Then I started getting abscesses, had to have some surgically removed. I have a dent in my right buttock cheek!

A month after my 5th birthday, my granddad died. He was the first in a long line of deaths. Eleven close family members and friends died within 10 years, including my mum and brother, from the age of 5-15.

Maternal: Grandfather 1969 Age 5.
Great Auntie Emily 1971 Age 7
Mum Age 10 July 23rd 1975
Granddad May 1976
Best friend age 13 1978
Grandma 1978
Brother April 4 1978 13 .
Grandma age 13 same year as my brother July 23rd 1978
Auntie Lizzie 1978
Uncle Jackie 1978
Auntie Olive: Jan 4th 1979.

People all around me were dying. I have such abandonment issues. You wonder why? I had a hard time dealing with this. When my brother died we were comforting our friends at the memorial service, it was very surreal. My brother had molested me several times. I was angry that he left but relieved cause I knew it wouldn’t happen again.

I didn’t do very well in school because I couldn’t concentrate. I was too busy goofing off. I started taking anti depressants when I was 13. I started overdosing on ativan soon after. I couldn’t handle my life. No one ever knew that I was ODing, or if they did, they didn’t say. I would sleep for days.

During this time I was date raped and continued a relationship with him, I didnt know any better, this is how men treated women, or so I thought

I finally left school, what a miracle that was. I went on government schemes, usually with young kids. I had a great time. For a long period of time I didn’t work, and I applied to go to the US and work as a nanny. They didn’t need me as a nanny, but they did need me to take care of their grandfather who had Alzheimer’s, so that is what I did, it was a few months after my 20th bday. I was here in less than a week because I already had my passport and visa.

It wasn’t until I was here for a while that I realised that my growing up wasn’t normal, that ppl didn’t treat ppl like that, normally. In 1988 I was sent back to England. I started working for an elderly gentleman that pinned me up to a wall and proceeded to rape me. I told his son, who talked me out of going to the authorities, saying that he would have done it to anyone. I bought it. I didn’t think much of myself. And I guess neither did they.

Whilst I was in England I was also writing to my now husband. He asked me in a letter to marry him, I came back to the US. We have been married for 13 years now, and I am deliriously happy, most of the time.

I think that I have been in therapy on and off for 20 years. 4 years ago I was hospitalised because I was suicidal. Then subsequently diagnosed with BPD and Major depression, and later on PTSD. Heck I even worked in psych. There were staff members at the hospital that had been my co-workers, that was really hard. It was like being in a twilight zone episode.

That is my life in a nutshell.

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